you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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