I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
