So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
