Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
