its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
