You're completely useless in the revolution.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
