Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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