Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
