I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize