I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
