i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize