i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
