you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
