my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
