Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
