I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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