It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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