Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
