I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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