Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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