You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
