i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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