Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
