So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
