i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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