I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
