I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
