the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
