I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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