can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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