I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
