I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
