Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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