She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
