Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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