Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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