see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
