his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize