my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
