So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
