So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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