It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
