I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
