Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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