I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
try to milk me bitch
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