It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize