I wannas sexs uuuuu
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
