I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I need a beard to bite.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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