i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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