:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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