so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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