its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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