There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
