I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
