I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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