I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
