I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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