i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
