you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
