omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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