Ketchup is God's man juice
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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